We all know who "Dear Abby" is...she dishes out advice in a daily column to those in need of guidance, assistance, direction or an answer to something that troubles them. Like any "dear" friend should, Abby offers an honest and straight-forward answer, but do some people who need to hear the truth, or ask to be told the truth, really want to KNOW the truth? Below was the post in todays column:
DEAR ABBY: Just how honest should you be with a friend? My friend "Frannie" did not receive a promotion in her department, and I think I know why -- her appearance. The promotion would have required more interaction with clients. Frannie is bright, hard-working, has Christian ethics, a beautiful, trim figure, a wide smile and dresses well. But -- she wears no makeup, doesn't pluck her huge unibrow and wears sandals that expose her very hairy toes and the hairy tops of her feet.
Many people have commented to me about her hairy feet and face, but I have not had the heart to tell her what they say. She has also been asking me why guys shy away from her. Do I say nothing, or should I offer helpful advice? -- FRANNIE'S FRIEND IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR FRIEND: What you need to ask yourself before raising a sensitive subject like this is: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? From where I sit, telling Frannie what she needs to hear passes those tests. Because Frannie has been asking why men shy away from her, that's your opening to talk to her about her grooming. Many women have body-hair issues, but there are solutions for it. The poor woman needs the services of a cosmetologist
I giggled a little when I read this because I am sure we have ALL come across a friend who could use a reality check but we just don't have the heart to tell them for fear or hurting their feelings. Like "Frannie's Friend in NC" no one could muster up the nerve to suggest that some grooming might better Frannie's professional and personal situations. Two days ago I encountered a friend who seeked out my advice on "remaking" her look for the new year because she wanted a change. I asked her what she didn't like, and she said "everything", and then asked me where to start and to "be honest" with her.
Offering my advice/opinion isn't difficult when someone asks me, but finessing the words to not hurt feelings can be tricky sometimes since I can be a bit blunt. People who know (and love) me however know to expect this from me, and always comment on how they can count on me to be truthful. I knew my advice could only help my friend since the changes were within her control of grooming and appearance suggestions, but unfortunately the conversation didn't go so well. She was shocked to hear my advice because it obviously wasn't what she wanted to hear and got upset with me because I didn't say she was "perfect" the way she was.
I don't regret what I said to my friend since I wouldn't be doing her any favors by lying and saying her mustache was beautiful and her ill-fitting clothes complimented her figure, but I do now realize that when someone asks you to "be honest" with them (about their appearance), you should also be extra kind on your advice. Lesson learned.
